Far Away
by maggieloo402
Summary: The day he left tore my heart out. It will continue to ache every day until he comes home again. Entry for the Black Balloon Contest. AUH


Hello lovely readers, this is my entry for the Black Balloon Contest. I wrote this after I got some bad news from my husband, who is currently serving in Afghanistan. This is my story. Details were changed, but the emotions and experiences behind it are all mine.

**The Black Balloon Contest**

**Title: Far Away**

**Your pen name: maggieloo402**

**Characters: Bella/Edward**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the intellectual property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. **

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"_Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud…"_

I stared out the window of the car, letting the scenery pass in front of my eyes without ever really seeing it. The trees blurred to a mass of indistinguishable greens and browns, and the overcast sky only served to darken my already dismal mood.

I was going home, where I would be alone for the next six months.

Alone.

The word itself sounded hollow and barren, yet the emptiness held a meaning that no one could possibly understand. I had been on my own before, but never like this. Never for six months. This made me feel more than alone. I felt, in a way, abandoned. I had known this day was coming, but no amount of time could have ever prepared me for the harsh reality.

I thought back to the day it all began, over a year ago now, when my world began to crumble around me.

**July 10, 2008**

My phone lit up with a new text message, and I smiled as I glanced down at the screen. Edward. I flipped it open to read the new message.

_Meet me at the park in 20? I've got some exciting news._

My smile grew, assuming he had found a job after several long months of searching. I texted a quick reply and left my apartment.

I pulled into the lot at the park where we spent so many summer days. It was a beautiful place, quiet and relaxing. You could always hear the bubbling creek flowing over rocks and feel the warm rays of sunshine floating between the trees. I shut my car off and stepped out, beginning up the familiar path to the place Edward and I always came. I knew he would find me there when he arrived.

I hadn't been walking for longer than a minute when I felt strong arms wrap around my middle and lift me slightly off the ground while familiar stubble scratched my cheek as a soft kiss was planted there.

"Edward!" I laughed, turning in his arms to give him a kiss. Our lips lingered together for a moment while we both enjoyed the close contact after time apart. It hadn't even been twenty four hours since we last saw each other, but even an hour seemed too long.

"Hi," I whispered into the small space between us.

"Hi," he replied, his beautiful green eyes crinkling around the edges as he smiled down at me. His thumb ran over my cheek as he cupped my face in his hands, and he leaned down to kiss me again.

"Come on," he said after our lips parted again, leaning down to take my hand in his. We walked slowly the rest of the way to the small opening in the trees that we called our own. How we came to claim this spot as ours, I don't remember. Somehow, though, this small space in the trees, with the softest grass and the perfect amount of shade, had always felt that it belonged to us.

I breathed a deep sigh as I let my body relax back onto the ground, the soft green grass providing a perfect cushion. Edward sat down beside me, but he didn't lie back onto the ground as I did. He leaned over me, and for a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me again, but instead he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a brochure.

"Look at this, Bella," he said, thrusting the paper in front of my face.

I propped myself up on my elbows before taking the brochure and holding it up to read. My heart started pounding as soon as I saw the letterhead at the top of the page.

"What do you think?" he asked quickly, excitement shining through his voice.

I glanced over at him, unsure of what to say. His eyes sparkled and his crooked smile reminded me of a child in a toy store.

"Air Force?" I finally asked in disbelief, my voice cracking as I tried not to show my uneasiness.

"Since I have a degree, I could join as an officer, and I could become a pilot within a year. I talked to the recruiter for about an hour today. I got to ask him a lot of questions, and I really think it would be a great opportunity," he enthused, his excitement growing with every word he spoke. He continued speaking, but I didn't hear what he said.

I opened the brochure to see a picture of a man in a navy blue uniform, saluting in front of some kind of jet, and on the adjoining page was a paragraph of information on flight school and the process of becoming a pilot in the Air Force. My heart thundered in my chest as I looked at the business card stapled to the back of the brochure, listing the recruiter's name and his contact information.

I glanced back up at Edward as he looked at me expectantly.

"So, what do you think?" he asked.

_What did I think? _

I was terrified. Would he have to go far from me? How long would we have to be apart? Even worse, what if he was sent to war? If he was, would he come home? How would I survive if he didn't?

Looking into his eyes, I could see his enthusiasm. I hadn't seen this look of content on his features in months.

For so long, Edward had been unsure of his life's path. He had been longing for a career, for direction. It seemed that finally, he had found something he was excited about.

With every fiber of my being, I loved this man. His happiness meant more to me than my own. I couldn't be the one to say 'no.' I wouldn't ruin this for him.

I trained my eyes on the brochure and did the only thing I could. I lied.

"Um, it sounds great."

He leaned over and kissed my forehead quickly, wrapping his arms around me and falling back onto the soft grass. I laid on his chest, listening to his heart beat as my mind continued to spin through terrible new possibilities.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

If only I had said something then. If I had told him then how afraid I was of losing him, maybe he wouldn't have ever left. Maybe I would never have had to deal with the searing sense of loneliness that I felt now.

I should have said something that very first day. I knew that now.

He left for boot camp one short month after that fateful day in the park.

To date, that was one of the most emotional months of my life.

A few days after we talked in the park, I hit an all-time low when Edward told me he had signed the papers to enlist in the United States Air Force. My world seemed to fall apart the moment he spoke the words. Foolishly, I had convinced myself that I had more time, that our conversation in the park was the first of many. He showed me just how wrong I was when he pulled out a four page contract with his name scrawled in his thin, elegant script with pride. All I could see was a plane ticket out of the happy little bubble we had been living in for the past two years. With his signature, the life we had built together came undone. Our innocent, carefree days were gone. He didn't seem to understand what I already knew. From that point on, our days would be haunted by the Air Force.

A light shone through the sadness that month when Edward asked me to marry him. The proposal brought a sense of comfort that reassured me that his leaving was not the end, and that we would be happy again. We made plans to marry when he finished his training and was stationed at his permanent duty station. When things got hardest, I was able to fall back on our promise of forever.

He left for training on August 14. The days leading up to his departure could be summed up in one word—desperation. I was desperate to spend every moment possible with him, desperate to fill myself with enough of him to last the long months that we would be apart. I was also desperate for him to know how much I loved him, because I felt as though distance might cause him to question my feelings for him.

I took him to the recruiting station that morning where several young men stood with another older man who was dressed in the sharp navy blue jacket and pressed slacks that signified his position. They all seemed to be watching us carefully, making us both feel uncomfortable. He had finally whispered a brief "come on" before exiting and coming around to my side of the car to wrap me in his arms one last time before he left. The moment that I spent in his embrace felt like both the longest and the shortest of my life. I never wanted it to end, but too soon, his grip loosened and he pulled away, looking into my eyes one last time.

"I love you, Bella," he whispered forcefully. "I'll always love you. Be strong while I'm gone, okay? I'll miss you."

All I could do was nod in response. I knew that if I spoke, the carefully constructed wall that held my emotions would break and I might never let him leave.

Once he released me, he whispered a final "I love you" and walked away. He took quick strides over to his recruiting officer and popped a quick salute before going to stand with the rest of the new recruits. I forced myself to put the car into drive and pull away, even though I was unable to see through the well of tears in my eyes.

Those blinding tears became all too familiar.

I learned what loneliness was during those months. I went from having a constant companion, a best friend, and someone with whom I could share every part of my life to having no one. I had my family and friends, but nobody could erase the isolation of my soul. I learned to pretend I was fine while I was with them, but when I came home to an empty apartment, it was hard to ignore the fact that he was gone. Life was so very dark without Edward by my side.

Specks of light came from his letters, always filled with love and hope and promises for the future, but the letters could never come often enough, and the darkness seemed to grow deeper every day.

My life became a series of numbers. The numbers of days until he came home, the number of letters, the number of times I got to talk to him, and the number of days until his boot camp graduation were all counted. I couldn't stand not knowing the number of days before I got to see him. I could never be sure if my constant counting made the days go faster or slower.

In September, I was able to go to his boot camp graduation ceremony with his family. My heart swelled until I thought it might burst when I saw him again, standing in his crisp uniform. He stood stiffly in formation until we all reached him; he reached out to me as soon as our eyes met.

I felt whole again as he hugged me tightly, the weight that I hadn't even known existed suddenly lifted off of my chest as I took a deep breath and inhaled his scent. _This_ was right. _This_ was all I had ever wanted.

Too soon, he moved away from me to hug his parents while I looked on proudly. I inspected his new appearance closely, taking in everything that had changed in the time we had been apart. The thick hair that I had always loved to run my hands through was shaved to a short, bristly length with a navy blue cap set low above his thick eyebrows. He was thinner—that was hard to miss. The new muscles in his arms were clearly visible, and I could tell even through the light blue button down that there were new muscles under his shirt as well. When he turned back to me and smiled I felt my heart rate pick up and I smiled back, feeling the warmth from the smile all through my body.

It was such a relief to see him again, to know he still loved me even after we spent so much time apart. It was hard being around Edward in uniform, though. Apart from the mental strain it caused seeing him in the clothing that signified his new life, the uniform imposed strict physical boundaries that I was all too desperate to push. He was forbidden to hold my hand or kiss me in uniform, and he was hesitant to even wrap his arm around my waist. After the desperate need I felt for him while we were apart, the mandatory distance while we were so close was devastating.

We managed one kiss the entire day we were together, but the reassurance and the love behind the one kiss was enough. It was just long enough for me to feel the familiar sparks and warmth, and to remind me just how in love with this man I really was.

I flew back home after only two days, and the pain of separation tore through me like wildfire again. Somehow, I had let myself believe that it wouldn't hurt as much this time. I had thought that reconnecting, if only for a short while, could numb the pain of solitude.

For those brief days, it did. When it was time to leave, though, the familiar ache returned with a vengeance. The trip reminded me just how deep our love ran, and how much I needed him in my life. While I was grateful for that, it made the separation from him all the more difficult.

The months that separated our time together were long, and the time we spent together was always too short. The weeks without him dragged by, but the days with him passed in the blink of an eye. Each time he left was a tear to my soul. Each time, I hoped and prayed that it would get better, that somehow, it would hurt less. It never did.

Once, during our time apart, I had almost given up. Almost given in to the thought that it was too much. It would always be too much, but I'd rather be apart from him than without him entirely. No matter how long, I would always wait for him. Our souls were intertwined and it was impossible to separate. Temporary absence seemed only a small price to pay if we could have the rest of our lives together.

I can't count the number of times we were on the phone in the middle of the night, one or both of us in tears. We were parts of a broken whole, scattered across the country from each other, and there was never enough time to pick up all those pieces before he had to leave again.

Time passed slowly, days seeming weeks and weeks seeming long as months. The light that I had been searching for finally came when we set a date for our wedding. He would be at his permanent duty station a few weeks before, and we could begin a life together where constant separation wasn't the heartbreaking norm. The light at the end of the tunnel was coming, and I could finally acknowledge that there would be an end to this.

The months leading up to the wedding were hectic to say the least. I had never realized how much time and effort went into a wedding until I was planning one. Added stress came from the fact that my fiancé was on the other side of the country, and he couldn't help with all the decisions that needed to be made. So many times I was ready to just run away from it all and get married at the nearest courthouse, but after soothing words from Edward, I was always willing to put up with a little bit more. The wedding was so much work—all I wanted was for us to be together. Was it really so much to ask?

I counted down the days from the hundreds, every day being one closer to our wedding. Every little girl dreams of her wedding day, and the beauty and happiness surrounding it, but I was just looking past it. I didn't want the wedding to come so I could have my day as the beautiful bride, filled with flowers, family, and friends. I didn't need, or want, that kind of attention. I wanted the wedding to come so that I could finally be with Edward—so that we would belong to each other in every sense of the word. I saw our wedding as the end of all the madness that we had been going through since his enlistment. If we could just get to the wedding, we could settle into the state of bliss that we occupied while we were together. Permanently.

As the day came closer, everyone began asking if I was nervous. I could tell them honestly that I wasn't, but they would all shake their heads and tell me that I would be nervous when the wedding got closer. I'd shrug and agree to be polite, but all the while I wondered what was so nerve-wracking about marrying the person you truly and deeply loved. I was more sure of this than I had ever been of anything in my life, and I saw no reason to be nervous about it.

I greeted him at the airport a few days before our wedding, excitement exuding from both of us with the knowledge that this time, we wouldn't have to say goodbye in a few days. We were to become husband and wife, and his home would be my home, and we wouldn't be apart any more.

Our wedding day came quickly, bringing with it tremendous excitement, but never any of the nerves everyone warned me about. As the doors opened and I walked down the aisle that day, Edward was the only person in my world, and tears of joy filled my eyes. Halfway down the aisle, I saw him reach up and wipe his hand quickly under his eyes. I realized that he was crying as well, and I had to stifle a giggle as I closed the distance between us. I finally felt my hands in his as the preacher stood next to us and we repeated the traditional wedding vows to each other.

_For better or for worse…_

_For richer or for poorer…_

_In sickness and in health…_

_For as long as we both shall live._

And I was his.

I was his forever, until death do us part.

It was over. All the sadness, all the emptiness and the loneliness I had felt for over a year had finally come to an end. We were bound together for the rest of our lives.

Blinded by our happiness, our togetherness, I thought we wouldn't have to say goodbye anymore. I was so naïve.

The first couple months of our marriage were just as I imagined they would be. We had fun, we laughed, and somehow, we learned more about each other, even when we thought we had already known everything. We learned how to cook together and we spent hours putting together furniture and working to put our house together. It was as though we were living in a dream.

As it did before, our bubble burst and reality crashed around us. Edward was going to leave again.

He had to deploy to Afghanistan at the end of October. I was going to have to say goodbye again, but this time, it would not be a simple matter of being across the country. This time, he would be on the other side of the world, fighting a war. I had always known that a deployment was eminent, but I had conveniently shoved the thought aside, and let myself forget about it.

Now it was back, and knowing that he had to leave again was heartbreaking. I would be alone again, but this time, I was far from home, without family or friends. Without them, I wouldn't even be able to pretend I was alright.

Once again, our numbered days passed too quickly. Edward was stressed and overwhelmed by the looming date on the calendar; I began to feel the familiar desperation for time with him. Neither of us was able to find relief in our time together because we knew that it would soon be coming to an end.

Today, October 24th , came and Edward was leaving. We had a short amount of time this morning to be together before we had to leave for the base. Like every other day, it passed too quickly. I couldn't hide my tears as we prepared to leave, and soon they turned into heart wrenching sobs that left my face streaked with my black mascara. Edward could do nothing but hold me tightly while I cried, nothing he said able to console me. He tried to tell me that it wasn't that bad, and that it would be over soon, but I knew better. This would be the longest six months of my life.

We drove onto base this afternoon in silence; there was nothing more to say. There was nothing to take away the pain of our future. When we finally arrived in front of the squadron building, I sat stoically in the car, unwilling to get out to face the reason for being here. He finally reached over and squeezed my hand gently.

"Come on, love, you can do it," he reassured me gently. My eyes fell to the tan flight suit he wore as I cursed the uniform and everything it entailed.

Tears stung my eyes again as I nodded, forcing strength that I didn't have upon myself. I got out of the car on shaky legs, and made my way to him as fast as I could. He held me tightly against his side as we waited for the bus to come, a few other airmen going out on the same shipment standing around us with their wives or friends. The bus finally pulled up in front of us and I tightened my grip around his waist.

He dropped a soft kiss on my forehead and whispered softly to me that it was time for him to go. Numbness fell over my body as my arms loosened around his middle and I took a step back. He caught my eyes as I glanced up at him, and I saw that his were filled with unshed tears and hurt. Again, we were a broken whole, about to be scattered across the world.

"I love you," he said gently.

"I love you too," I replied, the numbness still dominating my senses.

"I'll see you soon, okay?" he asked reassuringly.

I nodded before crossing my arms over my chest, holding his eyes with my own intensely.

"Bye," he whispered softly.

He turned and walked away, and I leaned back into my car behind me, relying on it to support my weight because I couldn't. He climbed up into the bus and I looked on, hardly feeling any of the emotions raging inside me as the bus pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road in front of the squadron.

I walked around the side of the car and climbed in, bracing my hands against the wheel until my knuckles turned white from the pressure. The feeling slowly sank back into my body as the reality of my situation came back to me. He was gone. Gone for six months. 180 days.

Driving back down the road to our empty house, I fought the tears that threatened to mask my vision—the same blinding tears I had cried before. Somehow, without really even noticing the road in front of me, I made it home safely.

When I walked into the house, I felt another pang of loneliness. I was here for six months by myself. The overwhelming solitude that I felt was crushing me. At the moment, six months seemed longer than the rest of eternity. I melted down onto the couch and buried my face in my hands as the tears spilled over again and the silence of the house echoed around me.

I was alone. Again.

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A/N: I began writing this a couple weeks ago when I found out his deployment had been extended. It hit me pretty hard, mainly because it was just two weeks until he was supposed to come home. Writing this actually helped me process it all, even though I didn't include that part in the story. Thank you all so much for taking time to read my story. I hope you enjoyed it!

Much Love, Maggie


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